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May 14, 2013 / barrenart

Milk, Like Wildflowers

Milk, like Wildflowers grows slowly
When beckoned without warning
On barren ground
With silty soil.

Milk, like Wildflowers does not sprout
Suddenly, in an instant
Or in a week
Without rainfall.

Milk, like Wildflowers takes patience
Dedication, persistence,
Stimulation
That is foreign.

Milk, like Wildflowers may happen.
It may not happen today,
Or with this try,
Or in my life.

Milk, like Wildflowers is one goal,
A crazy experiment,
I hope will work
For baby’s sake.

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January 17, 2013 / barrenart

On the Road as I’ve Always Been

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I’m on the road, it’s the same road I’ve been on forever.
It’s long.
The desert landscape is beautiful and looks magical.
There is a thick blanket of snow on the ground.
I see what you cannot see in the summer on this road I have traveled many times before.
In the summer there is red brown dirt, formations, sage brush and heat waves rising.
There are few signs of life on the summer road.
In the winter there is whiteness, a blank canvas with red brown slopes punctuating the beautiful desert formations. The canvas, though, is not blank.
The hollows of a million varied footsteps are in the snow beside the road.
Proof of the life around me, the ecosystem that hides in the day.
I’m going too fast to identify the creatures who left these hollow tracks, for I am on the road to my destination.
I have hours to enjoy the unfolding landscape before me and the endless tracks beside me.
I will come back this way, weary.
I will not notice the tracks.
One day I will travel this road again in the heat and desolation.
I will remember the little tracks.
These were not transient residents,
They are always there but leave no trace.

December 16, 2012 / barrenart

The dreaded 2 week wait

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So, for anyone that may follow, there is no art or poetry today, just putting out in the cyber world my latest infertility experience.

I am in my first official 2 week wait, which doesn’t seem as exciting as it should. I guess this is because I’ve had so many unsuccessful unassisted 2 week waits.

First off, this first IUI was so much less fun than the usual… I usually get to go on the hormone ride and look forward the prize at the end which is that you get to fuck like bunnies. Despite me feeling like the sex drill Sargent most months, it is clear, after this month, that this has become an enjoyable task that makes infertility a little more palatable. Hopping a girl up on hormones (In addition to the high dose clomid I currently am wearing 4 estrogen patches), making her ovulate, and then denying her sex is a true test of wills. Adding several speculum exams and 2 mildly painful procedures is just too much! I was so incredibly horny before my first IUI that I almost blew the whole thing by seducing my husband… We were strong and refrained, only to be told that the sperm count was low anyway. So we were super naughty and did the deed in between the first and second. Turns out that this not a terrible decision as the count was( a little) better the second time.

Ok, so I have suspected an element of male factor for a while, and we have gotten 2 completely different samples. One said count was fine, but no one was swimming. The other said that everything was fine. That second one was from the fertility docs and we assumed it was right. This is very frustrating for me and my husband. I am wondering if the fertility docs got it wrong and didn’t really care cause we were probably going to get procedural help anyway… I know this isn’t true, but if they caught that before, I would not have had to endure so many unassisted clomid and letrazole cycles. My husband now is dejected and a little confused.

OK, the obvious question is why I have waited so long to ‘do something’. Answer: I live in a rural area and the nearest fertility doc is 5 hours away making the drop by when you’re ovulating thing nearly impossible, or even the trigger shot come 2 d later. Recently I found out that one of our local GYN’s has an IUI kit and can do it here! Alleluia right? Well… she is in a competing practice and I really don’t have faith in her surgical skills or OB judgement. Which is why this was such a huge step for me. I am that desperate, and I think this process has been good for our relationship. That being said, I do not have a lot of faith that this will work. Apparently she has only done a few and has only had 1 success, so yeah, I’m not holding my breath.

I have found out a few things this month so far:
1. My vagina is hostile and kills sperm
2. My husbands sperm count is low and too wimpy for my raptor lady parts.
3. My husband has forgotten how to masturbate… Or at least finds it displeasurable ( I guess having lots of sex has some perks)
4. IUI is painful, but not that bad.
5. I like estrogen, of all of the things I’ve taken, it agrees with me the most.
6. I’ve been blaming the living room yarn disasters on the puppy, but found my senior dog sleeping with her head in the yarn basket. The investigation is re opened until all evidence is reviewed.
7. There are some truly sick people in this world and if a kindergarten class is not safe, who is?

Thus concludes my first blog rant. I will resume the more solemn and hopefully more pleasurable art and poetry next time, thanks for your attention.

December 13, 2012 / barrenart

Fur Baby (The Grass is Greener)

She had a pony
I was just six
I had a stone house
Her’s was just sticks
I envied her,
She envied me.
For the rest of my life, this is how I would be.

She has a baby
She is fourteen
I have the good life
Or so it would seem
I judge her
She judges me
The grass is always green
Through the eyes of the tree.

** this is an unfinished print of me and my puppy by my insanely talented husband***

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November 29, 2012 / barrenart

Conjugation of Loss

To have
Never to have had
To have lost
To be losing
To be losing because of senseless fate
To have lost because of never having had it

You have
I have never had
She has lost
He is losing (it)
I am losing (it)
She is losing (it)
She is losing (it) because of senseless fate
I have lost because I have never had it

The two bodies crouch as the water pours over them.
It makes her feel better to have the deluge on her back.
A distraction.
It makes him feel better to hold her, even though his glasses are foggy and spattered with the droplets.
He does so uncomplaining, though his quads are burning to support her.
He wants to see, glasses fogged.
She does not want to see and turns her head.
He has an extreme sense of wonder in his heart and face.
She has a sense of relief.
I am a voyer in this strange scene until my job is evident.
I participate with the heaviest of hearts, she holds the rain and fetches what I need.
There are 5 beats in the room, but only 4 breaths.
We wait and chat about relief and readiness.
In the adjacent space, there is praying.
At first I think to myself, it is futile.
Then I realize that it is to help him pass and give him comfort while he is with us.
I am hurting.
I wonder where the little souls go.
But I cannot feel what they are feeling.
Soon enough, the event is over.
The body heals, but she wishes it wasn’t quite so quickly.
She has not had enough time.
We talk about the future and I wish I could tell her on the spot, but I cannot.

To have
To have had
Never to have had
To have lost

October 22, 2012 / barrenart

so funny love this one, thanks Matthew aka ivfmale

IVF male

This week looks like a bust. Not much on the search engine list of note. A new one for “DPchallenge” since I’ve started participating in the Daily Post Challenge for fun. But I must admit, “Daily Post” is not what comes to mind when I think of DPchallenge. Probably what caught my attention in the first place.

I also had one person looking for “IVF poetry” that caught my attention. I have been in a poetic mood as of late. I’ve found it very therapeutic in expressing emotions that I’m struggling with. I’ll be doing more of it to be sure, but poetry should also be about helping others. I’m interested in writing poems on topics that are normally overlooked.

I haven’t seen much poetry dealing with peeing on a stick (POAS). Barrenart has a lovely one called Pink that touches on the subject. But nothing on the addiction that…

View original post 243 more words

October 10, 2012 / barrenart

Georgia O’Keefe The Black Place

On a recent “romantic” (and unsuccessful) baby making weekend in Santa Fe, my hubbie and I went to the Georgia O’Keefe Museum.   We both were transfixed by this painting.  It’s Part of the Black Place series.

My take on it:

The Black Place

A haunted landscape if I have ever seen one.

Desert mountain again, but not at all in your tradition.

None of the usual feminine  flowering,

Just the shadow of the duvet.

Which seems to be the Black Place.